Don’t talk to me if you don’t want to talk about “Are You the One?’’

After several people recommended the MTV reality dating show Are You the One? this summer, I finally watched it this week…and became fully obsessed with it.

Here’s the show’s premise: a bunch of single twentysomethings (who “suck at dating”) are selected to live in a house together. (Yeah, that ol’ chestnut!) Before the season begins, relationship experts do in-depth interviews, questionnaires, and personality tests, and predict the ideal pairings for everyone in the cast. (So, if there are 20 people in the cast, there will be 10 “perfect matches.”) The goal is for each member of the cast to figure out who their predetermined perfect match is. They have a set number of chances to guess as a group, and are only told the number of matches they get correct in a given round — not which perfect matches they got right. If the cast accurately guesses all of the perfect match pairings — again, as chosen by experts — by the end of the season, they will win $1 million.

What makes it so entertaining is that people are horny and complicated and will insist someone is their perfect match even though it’s very obvious that the person is…not. (Because, for example, that person has zero interest in them.)

The real reason I, like a lot of people, started watching this season, is because it’s got a twist: for the first time, everyone in the cast is sexually fluid — so everyone can theoretically be paired with everyone. There are 16 people in this cast (i.e., there are eight perfect matches), so each person has 15 potential perfect matches. (In previous seasons, it might have been, say, nine potential perfect matches.)

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A post shared by Are You The One? (@areuthe1) on Jun 27, 2019 at 8:33am PDT

I don’t watch much TV and I’m definitely not a reality TV person, but I am hooked on Are You The One?. Here’s why I’ve been loving it so much:

It’s an MTV reality show! The nostalgia part of my millennial brain is lights UP whenever I watch AYTO. There’s something about it that’s so wonderfully MTV; if you liked, say, The Gauntlet, you will probably like this show. It’s just such a pleasure to watch!
It’s a tight edit. A lot of reality TV is filler (looking at you, Bachelor), but AYTO zips along at a great clip — each episode goes down like a can of White Claw. They don’t spend too much time on the things that ultimately don’t matter (like the challenges) and instead get right to the good stuff.
The fact that everyone can be paired with everyone (instead of several people competing for one person) changes the stakes. There are no real “losers,” which is nice. That said, people still are competing with each other (because two people might be into the same person), so there’s lots of drama. Everyone is chasing everyone, which is very fun to watch.
Everyone is queer! To be honest, I wasn’t prepared for how remarkable — or how normal — that would feel. It’s kind of incredible to see this group of people — who represent all sorts of identities and personality types — pursue same-sex or gender fluid relationships casually and openly on national television. It’s also so refreshing to watch a show in which there is no token queer person because everyone is queer.
The show is fascinating. I was surprised by how many relatable dating experiences/attitudes pop up throughout the season. After just a few days in the house, the cast members are already experiencing the full spectrum of emotions and bigger questions you can expect to see over, like, several months of dating. It’s kind of wild to witness such a pure distillation of dating in your twenties, and the ways in which people want to brute-force bad relationships that they are convinced are meant to be. There’s something about this — and, really, the show as a whole — that feels shockingly real, which I wasn’t expecting.

I’m also fascinated by the sense of inevitability each cast member expresses about their perfect match. Instead of going into it thinking, “I need to determine my perfect match to win the money, but I’m free to fall for whoever I want,” they seem to believe that the person selected as their perfect match is their perfect match. (At times, it feels a little strange/extreme — like you’re watching an episode of Black Mirror that’s going to end with all of these people marrying for life.) As a result, they have basically zero interest in strategy (which drives me crazy!!!) and are way more interested in feelings. They are devastated if they realize their perfect match isn’t who they wanted it to be or thought it was, and seem determined to forge a relationship with the person the experts chose for them.

The show has surprising moments of sweetness! Two people doing their makeup together before a party; a bro opening up to his love interest about his childhood; a cast member creating a really beautiful gift for another cast member to make amends; the cast gently and lovingly but firmly confronting the person who is the source of much of the drama in the group…it’s all been fairly moving and lovely, which I wasn’t expecting.
AYTO is just really goddamn entertaining. My girlfriend and I watched the whole season this week (10 episodes have aired so far, and there are two remaining) and were invested by, like, the end of the first one. On Friday night, we found ourselves jumping around and screaming at the TV like we were watching sports.

An AYTO meme my girlfriend made for me — An *AYTO* meme my girlfriend made for me

My one not-insignificant quibble/caveat is that AYTO doesn’t seem to recognize when reality TV antics/jealousy/“drama” cross over into behavior that I would actually describe as abusive. (I’m specifically thinking about Episode 9.) I remember when Real World producers broke the fourth wall to talk about whether the cast felt safe following a fight, and I think they should have done that in Episode 9, particularly because it’s a show about love and dating, and each episode features a relationship expert checking in with the cast. On a show that gets so much right, this was such a miss that I found it genuinely baffling.

Overall, though, I really do like Are You the One? and think it’s worth a watch, especially if you want something kind of lightweight to breeze through. The next episode airs Monday Sept. 3 at 11 p.m. ET on MTV, and I’m very excited about it.

And if you’re interested, here are some other articles about Are You The One? that do a great job of articulating what’s so appealing about it:

How MTV’s ‘Are You The One?’ Is Changing Dating Shows, Rolling Stone.
How Queer People Brought Some Actual Reality to Dating-Reality TV, Jenna Wortham / New York Times.
How on Earth Did ‘Are You The One’ Get Queer Love So Right?, ELLE.
With a Sexually Fluid Cast, ‘Are You the One?’ Builds a Cult Following, New York Times.
Are You The One? Season 8 Cast on Making TV History, How To Be An Ally & More, MTV / YouTube.
Are You The One? Math 💘

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My favorite things to do in Saugatuck, MI

Last week, I spent a few days on vacation in Saugatuck, Michigan, which was delightful! Since I also spent time in Saugatuck last summer and really loved it, I thought I’d put together a list of my favorite things to do there!

Where to stay

We stayed at “the Cottage on the Hill” last year, which I loved. It’s a 2-minute drive from downtown and a 10-minute drive from Oval Beach, but the real selling point is the lovely enclosed porch, which overlooks a big fenced-in backyard.

It wasn’t available this year, so we rented “Sunshine Cottage” instead. Sunshine Cottage is a very short walk from downtown, which was super convenient — we could walk home from dinner or from the house to an ice cream shop for a scoop of Mackinac Island Fudge in about five minutes. It also has a white kitchen with a sizable island that, when combined with the right linen shirt, makes you feel like a low-budget Nancy Meyers heroine.

I’m torn about which house I liked better; last year’s was bigger and comfier and cuter, but it’s a tiny bit further from downtown, and the roads you’d take into town are a bit less walkable. Sunshine Cottage is smaller and had some minor quirks (that definitely weren’t dealbreakers), but is still nice/cozy/clean/convenient. I’d recommend either one!

What to do

Oval Beach

Oval Beach, on Lake Michigan, is my favorite thing about Saugatuck. It’s been rated one of the best beaches in the world (!!) by several different publications. It’s a fairly small beach but it’s never too crowded, even when it’s busy.

The sand is very soft and the water sometimes glitters in the sunlight. (By the way, the water in July 2018 was very cold, but it was perfect this time around.)

Retro Boat Rentals

Retro Boat Rentals is a very cute family-run place. You take your rental out on the Kalamazoo River for 90 minutes, where you get to see local wildlife (last year, we saw an eagle catch a fish; this year there were a lot of baby ducks) and all of the mansions that line the water. It’s a great way to spend a morning!

Since our trip last summer, they’ve added a bunch of outdoor seating and a kitchen/bar, so after our boat ride, we sat outside and had beers and snacks and a truly lovely time!

They also have these donut-type boats that look really fun (though, FYI, alcohol isn’t allowed on any of the boats).

Shopping

The downtown Saugatuck area has lots of little shops, and you can easily visit most/all of them in an afternoon. I don’t think any of the shops stands out as, like, The One You Must Visit, but spending some time tooling around to all the different ones is definitely worth it!

There are a ton of other things to do in Douglas and Fennville (including wineries and antique stores and galleries), but because we haven’t had a ton of time there/have spent a lot of our time at the beach, I can’t speak to those!

You also don’t have to do much of anything, really! Saugatuck is so gentle and cozy, and is kind of built for easy bonding — you can make friendship bracelets, play games, or do puzzles, and not feel like you’re missing out.

Where to eat and drink

Saugatuck has a lot of restaurants, and I’m hoping to spend a full week there next year so I can check out more of them! (The Southerner is at the top of my list for the next trip.) But here are some of the places we’ve gone and liked:

Mitten Brewing Company

Mitten Brewing Company makes truly excellent pizza — we went there twice last year because it was so good. Their outdoor seating area is incredibly cute, but you can also get your pizza to go, and then eat it in the little park across the street, which is right on the river.

Uncommon Coffee Roasters

After Googling coffee shops in Saugatuck, I was drawn to this one because their Instagram is extremely gay. And I’m happy to report that the entire place is extremely gay! Overall, it feels like the best coffee shop in a college town — homey, earthy, vaguely alt. It has a huge wraparound porch and a beautiful backyard. There’s also a guy who does chair massages in the backyard area and only charges $1 a minute, which is a pretty fantastic deal.

The BARge

This place sits behind the Ship-n-Shore hotel, so it’s not actually visible from the street. But it’s right on the water (you can see it in this photo) and the upper level offers a pretty great view. When we went for dinner, there was a live music act that was actually pretty good.

The Dunes

The Dunes bills itself as “the Midwest’s premier LGBTQ resort.” The website and even the interior make it seem, like, clubby(ish), but when we were there for karaoke night and it was incredibly…gentle and chill? We heard a lot of Frank Sinatra, Elvis, and the Beatles. (And also everyone who sang was pretty good?) But next to the TV displaying the karaoke lyrics for songs like “When I’m 64,” there was a second TV playing, like, a super-cut of random foreplay scenes from gay male porn, which was…quite a juxtaposition! Also, the customers that night were *literally* all men and it felt like a very gay male space in general, so that’s something to be aware of!

Speaking of LGBTQ experiences, there were a lot of Pride flags flying in Saugatuck, and I remember noticing last year in the big Saugatuck brochure/magazine that there were a lot of subtle (and not-so-subtle) cues that Saugatuck is queer-friendly. So that’s nice! That said, we definitely saw way more Pride flags than people of color in Saugatuck.

Oh, also! I spotted McLeod Farms peaches at the Holland Meijer, where they cost $1.29/lb. So if you live in Michigan, you should definitely look for them the next time you’re at Meijer. ✨

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You can now pre-order “The Art of Showing Up’’

My second book, The Art of Showing Up, is going to be released on May 26, 2020, and is officially available to pre-order! You can find it below:

As a general rule, pre-ordering is a great way to support an author you like, and whose book you’re planning to buy; pre-orders tell bookstores that people are interested in the book, which is a cue that they should carry it/stock a lot of copies.

As for book itself, here’s a little more about it (at least in its current form)! It’s inspired by this BuzzFeed post and is divided into two sections: how to show up for yourself and how to show up for other people. It covers topics like getting to know yourself and your needs, setting boundaries, showing up for yourself every damn day, being comfortable being alone, shooting your phone (but also keeping in touch), showing up for yourself when shit gets hard, having difficult conversations, making new friends, having better friend hangouts, dealing with a friend who is wilding out, handling weird/awkward friend group dynamics, and showing up for others when they are going through hard times. It’s mostly new material, and I’m very excited to bring it into the world! ✨

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Out of office

I’m currently in Michigan on the last day of a lovely vacation, so I don’t have any links for you this week! But you can catch me on two episodes of NPR’s Life Kit this week: “Accept The Awkwardness: How To Make Friends (And Keep Them)” and “When Friendships Change, How To Cope.”

Have a great Sunday! ✈️

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Just Good Shit: 08.18.19

This week was a pretty full one! Here’s what I was up to…

On the blog

Reading

I finished Trick Mirror, which I thought was excellent. My favorite essays were “Always Be Optimizing” (which you can read online in The Guardian), “The Cult of Difficult Women,” and “We Come from Old Virginia.”

Also:

America Wasn’t a Democracy, Until Black Americans Made It One,

The New York Times Magazine.
I am such a big fan of Nikole Hannah-Jones’ work, and this was no exception. PS You should really make time for the entire 1619 Project this week.

“Do you have white teenage sons? Listen up.”, Joanna Schroeder on Twitter.

Elizabeth Warren’s Classroom Strategy, The Cut.
I loved reading this and didn’t want it to end.

Demi Burnett and the Queering of Bachelor Nation, them.

When Is a Caption Close Enough?, The Atlantic.

Three Years of Misery Inside Google, the Happiest Company in Tech, Wired.

How aggressively cute toys for adults became a $686 million business, Vox.

I Thought I'd Accepted My Body. Then I Got Pregnant., A Cup of Jo.

Accessible Design in 2019 & Beyond, Design*Sponge.

Dudes Love White Claw, So Maybe the Idea of ‘Bitch Beer’ Can Finally Die, Eater.

How ‘Am I the Asshole?’ became the internet’s most profound query, The Daily Dot.

How to *Actually* Forgive Someone, Man Repeller.

The Two Brides Who Wore Three Different Outfits, The Cut.
“We walked down the aisle to the song ‘1950’ by King Princess, an instrumental version of that.” Fuck me up.

America Has Never Been So Desperate for Tomato Season, The Atlantic.
“Tomatoes are proof that the world still works in some capacity, at least for now.” I loved this.

Cooking

I decided to make Nora Ephron’s tomato sauce this week (see the above post about tomato season) and it was so great! I felt like a true sauce man. Next time, I’d remove the tomatoes’ seeds either before or right after blanching, but it was fine that I didn’t — the seeds were pretty unobtrusive in the final dish. This recipe also led me to download a sample of Heartburn, and I think I’m going to read the full book soon!

Have a great Sunday! 🍅

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On deep-shallow companions

As I’ve been working on The Art of Showing Up, I’ve done quite a bit of research on the “ideal” number of friends a person should have, and, in the process, have come up with my own theory on this topic: Regardless of how many friends researchers say you need, or how many friends you currently have, I think everyone needs one (1) individual to fill the role of deep-shallow companion.

Your deep-shallow person is the one who happily listens to the most humdrum shit about your day, pretty much every day (and then shares theirs in turn). They let you go on and on about the traffic you sat in, the errands you ran, the minutiae of your to-do list, and everything Sweetgreen did right or wrong with regard to your salad order. (My experiences with the Sweetgreen app — which used to be very bad and are now, somehow, better? — are the epitome of deep-shallow talk.) Deep-shallow stories are both too boring and too complicated for most audiences. There’s no real drama, but there’s also definitely a five-act Shakespearean play, and it somehow all took place in the self-checkout line at Target.

Deep-shallow companionship is the height of intimacy, demonstrated through extremely not-intimate topics. It’s a bond and love that is rooted so deep, it can withstand this particular type of shallow conversation.

Of course, most relationships include some deep-shallow talk, and occasionally, the first coworker pal you see when you walk into the office is gonna hear your terrible commute story whether they like it or not. It’s fine! But your deep-shallow person is the one who willingly listens to this stuff daily, and also shares their own with you. It’s often a role filled by a parent, sibling, or romantic partner because it requires so much love.

My suspicion is that a lot of loneliness stems from not having a deep-shallow companion. Which really sucks! Because if you try — consciously or not — to make someone your deep-shallow person and they don’t want to be (because they already have a deep–shallow companion, because it’s too early in the relationship, whatever), you probably won’t get the attention or enthusiasm you’re looking for, which just feels bad. It doesn’t mean the person doesn’t want to be friends with you or that they don’t like you (truly!)...but it still stings. Deep-shallow conversations are often when we’re our most relaxed and uncensored and real selves; not having a deep-shallow person can lead to feeling very unseen and incredibly alone.

I share this theory not to call attention to something you feel sad about and can’t really fix, but because I know how how it feels to not have the words to explain this particular kind of intimacy, or describe what it looks and feels like. I think it’s really helpful to be able to name this kind of companionship, and to be able to articulate exactly what you’ve lost if your deep-shallow person is no longer in your life. ✨

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Just Good Bops: August

It’s Leo season! Which, to the best of my understanding, means it’s time to…show off your good hair??? I don’t know y’all, I’m doing my best to decipher whatever the hell the Co–Star app is telling me. But what I do know is that Rachel is a Leo, and when it’s your birthday you get control of the metaphorical aux cord — so a bunch of this month’s songs are requests. [Ed. note: Listen, if you can’t handle me at my Taylor Swift “Delicate,” you don’t deserve me at my Tracy Chapman “Fast Car”!!!]

Once you’re on Spotify, you should really click through and listen to these albums in full:

Dedicated, Carly Rae Jepsen

Back in July, I — and all of Brooklyn, it seemed — saw Carly Rae Jepsen perform at Hammerstein Ballroom in Manhattan, and this tweet perfectly sums up my experience:

📂Documents
└📁Artists
└📁 Carly Rae Jepsen
└📁 Bad Songs
└⚠️ This folder is empty
— Give me skate 4 @ EA (@airrbagged) April 4, 2017

Dedicated is relaxed ‘80s pop — Jepsen joked that the working title of the album was Music to Clean Your House To. It’s chill, romantic disco, and I can personally attest to the life-changing magic of Carly Rae Jepsen soundtracking the act of scrubbing a toilet. (Dedicated makes tedious and awful chores fun! Or at the very least, tolerable). “Want You In My Room,” “Real Love,” and “Too Much” are my stand-out tracks.

i,i, Bon Iver

i,i is Justin Vernon’s fourth album released under the Bon Iver moniker, and per the band’s own description, “The 13 new songs on i,i complete a cycle: from the winter of For Emma, Forever Ago came the frenetic spring of Bon Iver, Bon Iver, and the unhinged summer of 22, A Million. Now, fall arrives early with i,i.” With fall just on the horizon, this album feels like a lovely treat. It has all the familiar elements of a Bon Iver song — it swells, towers, and then crashes; it feels lush, warm, and dreamy — but with a newfound fearless conviction. The lyrics are as obtuse as ever, though.

And here’s the usual disclaimer! I’ve never been good at curating a playlist that ebbs and flows in just the right way, so just throw this shit on shuffle and have a good time. 🎧

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Just Good Shit: 08.11.19

I’ve never really been a birthday person because pretty much everyone takes a vacation during the first week of August (seriously, it’s been this way my entire life), and also I just…don’t care that much! I usually just go to work on my birthday and, like, order my favorite takeout for dinner.

But I’m now dating a Birthday Person™, so this year, I had my first bona fide birthday week. It included breakfast at Miriam (my favorite), a manicure and pedicure at Paintbucket, a trip to Greenlight and Target, dinner at Allswell, McLeod Farms peaches with pals, an Instax camera and Catbird necklace, Good Genes (a gift from my mom that so far absolutely lives up to the hype), and birthday drinks with friends at The Springs. It was truly lovely and also I’m exhausted.

My goals/hopes/dreams for my upcoming year are learning to use lay and lie properly in all writing and conversation, and visiting a national park!

Here’s what else I had going on this week…

On the blog

Reading

I, like every other self-respecting Brooklyn millennial, am currently reading Trick Mirror by Jia Tolentino.

Also:

The Media Erased Latinos From the Story, The Atlantic.

A mother died shielding her infant in El Paso. The father died shielding them both, family says., Washington Post.

The End of Straight, GQ.
Make sure you read this one all the way to the end.

I Gained 20 Pounds Before My Wedding and It Was Still Perfect, Glamour.

How to Plan a Wedding. (Or, You Could Just Elope.), The New York Times.
Our girl Terri made her NYT debut!!!

My In-Laws Are Careless About My Deadly Food Allergy!, Ask Polly.

Why are there so many new books about time-travelling lesbians?, The Guardian.

Bad summer, Grief Bacon.

Everything We Learned About Women’s Anatomy from Male Authors, Electric Lit.

Great tweets

“Potatoes in literally any form”

“The full scene with sound is just the greatest scene I’ve ever watched.”

“If you don’t like it…MOVE”

“to all the girlfriends”

Have a great Sunday! 🦁

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Extremely good shit: McLeod Farms peaches

As you may know, I’m not a fan of summer. But one way I’ve been making it more bearable in recent years is by ordering a box of peaches from McLeod Farms, a South Carolina operation that came on my radar several years ago when I lived in Houston.

These peaches are awesome in the dictionary-definition sense of the word. So juicy, so fragrant, so special. Every bit of them detaches from the pit so easily and cleanly, it’s genuinely remarkable. Getting a box of them delivered has become one of the highlights of my summer.

But you don’t have to take my word for it! Here are some of the things my friends have had to say about them:

“This is truly the best peach I’ve ever eaten.”

“I should have eaten that in the bathtub.”

“That was obscene.”

“I should not have eaten that in public.” (I heard this more than once!)

The peaches go on sale every year in the late spring. They are sold by the box; you can either buy a box of 14 (for $48) or a box of 28 (for $78), and when you order, you select the week you want them delivered. (They ship in June, July, and August. Also, shipping to NYC is free, but I’m not sure if that’s the case everywhere.)

These peaches aren’t cheap, which is, for me, part of what makes them so special; I make a point to really savor them (I always try to enjoy at least one while sitting outside), and to share them with friends who will appreciate them.

Oprah once said* something to the effect of “you can find God in a perfectly ripe tomato,” and I think about this whenever I eat one of these peaches. (And, yes, then I obviously have a minor existential crisis about climate change and my own mortality. It happens at the beach, too! Summer is great!!!) They are just…sublime.

*I am fairly certain it was on the final page of an issue of O Magazine that I read like a decade ago, but I have never been able to track down the exact quote, so this could be entirely made-up!!! But if Oprah didn’t say it, then I will: You can find God in a perfectly ripe summer fruit. ✨

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‘‘The Orange’’

Today is my 34th birthday! I’m eagerly awaiting a box of fresh peaches from McLeod Farms (truly the Platonic ideal of a peach, and maybe all fruit), which are due to arrive any minute, and which have me thinking about “The Orange,” a beautiful poem by Wendy Cope that I just love. Here it is:

At lunchtime I bought a huge orange—
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave—
They got quarters and I had a half.

And that orange, it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.
This is peace and contentment. It's new.

The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I'm glad I exist. ✨

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BTW

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Where to stay

What to do

Oval Beach

Retro Boat Rentals

Shopping

Where to eat and drink

Mitten Brewing Company

Uncommon Coffee Roasters

The BARge

The Dunes

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On the blog

Reading

Cooking

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Dedicated, Carly Rae Jepsen

i,i, Bon Iver

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On the blog

Reading

Great tweets

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