On deep-shallow companions

As I’ve been working on The Art of Showing Up, I’ve done quite a bit of research on the “ideal” number of friends a person should have, and, in the process, have come up with my own theory on this topic: Regardless of how many friends researchers say you need, or how many friends you currently have, I think everyone needs one (1) individual to fill the role of deep-shallow companion.

Your deep-shallow person is the one who happily listens to the most humdrum shit about your day, pretty much every day (and then shares theirs in turn). They let you go on and on about the traffic you sat in, the errands you ran, the minutiae of your to-do list, and everything Sweetgreen did right or wrong with regard to your salad order. (My experiences with the Sweetgreen app — which used to be very bad and are now, somehow, better? — are the epitome of deep-shallow talk.) Deep-shallow stories are both too boring and too complicated for most audiences. There’s no real drama, but there’s also definitely a five-act Shakespearean play, and it somehow all took place in the self-checkout line at Target.

Deep-shallow companionship is the height of intimacy, demonstrated through extremely not-intimate topics. It’s a bond and love that is rooted so deep, it can withstand this particular type of shallow conversation.

Of course, most relationships include some deep-shallow talk, and occasionally, the first coworker pal you see when you walk into the office is gonna hear your terrible commute story whether they like it or not. It’s fine! But your deep-shallow person is the one who willingly listens to this stuff daily, and also shares their own with you. It’s often a role filled by a parent, sibling, or romantic partner because it requires so much love.

My suspicion is that a lot of loneliness stems from not having a deep-shallow companion. Which really sucks! Because if you try — consciously or not — to make someone your deep-shallow person and they don’t want to be (because they already have a deep–shallow companion, because it’s too early in the relationship, whatever), you probably won’t get the attention or enthusiasm you’re looking for, which just feels bad. It doesn’t mean the person doesn’t want to be friends with you or that they don’t like you (truly!)...but it still stings. Deep-shallow conversations are often when we’re our most relaxed and uncensored and real selves; not having a deep-shallow person can lead to feeling very unseen and incredibly alone.

I share this theory not to call attention to something you feel sad about and can’t really fix, but because I know how how it feels to not have the words to explain this particular kind of intimacy, or describe what it looks and feels like. I think it’s really helpful to be able to name this kind of companionship, and to be able to articulate exactly what you’ve lost if your deep-shallow person is no longer in your life. ✨

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Just Good Bops: August

It’s Leo season! Which, to the best of my understanding, means it’s time to…show off your good hair??? I don’t know y’all, I’m doing my best to decipher whatever the hell the Co–Star app is telling me. But what I do know is that Rachel is a Leo, and when it’s your birthday you get control of the metaphorical aux cord — so a bunch of this month’s songs are requests. [Ed. note: Listen, if you can’t handle me at my Taylor Swift “Delicate,” you don’t deserve me at my Tracy Chapman “Fast Car”!!!]

Once you’re on Spotify, you should really click through and listen to these albums in full:

Dedicated, Carly Rae Jepsen

Back in July, I — and all of Brooklyn, it seemed — saw Carly Rae Jepsen perform at Hammerstein Ballroom in Manhattan, and this tweet perfectly sums up my experience:

📂Documents
└📁Artists
└📁 Carly Rae Jepsen
└📁 Bad Songs
└⚠️ This folder is empty
— Give me skate 4 @ EA (@airrbagged) April 4, 2017

Dedicated is relaxed ‘80s pop — Jepsen joked that the working title of the album was Music to Clean Your House To. It’s chill, romantic disco, and I can personally attest to the life-changing magic of Carly Rae Jepsen soundtracking the act of scrubbing a toilet. (Dedicated makes tedious and awful chores fun! Or at the very least, tolerable). “Want You In My Room,” “Real Love,” and “Too Much” are my stand-out tracks.

i,i, Bon Iver

i,i is Justin Vernon’s fourth album released under the Bon Iver moniker, and per the band’s own description, “The 13 new songs on i,i complete a cycle: from the winter of For Emma, Forever Ago came the frenetic spring of Bon Iver, Bon Iver, and the unhinged summer of 22, A Million. Now, fall arrives early with i,i.” With fall just on the horizon, this album feels like a lovely treat. It has all the familiar elements of a Bon Iver song — it swells, towers, and then crashes; it feels lush, warm, and dreamy — but with a newfound fearless conviction. The lyrics are as obtuse as ever, though.

And here’s the usual disclaimer! I’ve never been good at curating a playlist that ebbs and flows in just the right way, so just throw this shit on shuffle and have a good time. 🎧

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Just Good Shit: 08.11.19

I’ve never really been a birthday person because pretty much everyone takes a vacation during the first week of August (seriously, it’s been this way my entire life), and also I just…don’t care that much! I usually just go to work on my birthday and, like, order my favorite takeout for dinner.

But I’m now dating a Birthday Person™, so this year, I had my first bona fide birthday week. It included breakfast at Miriam (my favorite), a manicure and pedicure at Paintbucket, a trip to Greenlight and Target, dinner at Allswell, McLeod Farms peaches with pals, an Instax camera and Catbird necklace, Good Genes (a gift from my mom that so far absolutely lives up to the hype), and birthday drinks with friends at The Springs. It was truly lovely and also I’m exhausted.

My goals/hopes/dreams for my upcoming year are learning to use lay and lie properly in all writing and conversation, and visiting a national park!

Here’s what else I had going on this week…

On the blog

Reading

I, like every other self-respecting Brooklyn millennial, am currently reading Trick Mirror by Jia Tolentino.

Also:

The Media Erased Latinos From the Story, The Atlantic.

A mother died shielding her infant in El Paso. The father died shielding them both, family says., Washington Post.

The End of Straight, GQ.
Make sure you read this one all the way to the end.

I Gained 20 Pounds Before My Wedding and It Was Still Perfect, Glamour.

How to Plan a Wedding. (Or, You Could Just Elope.), The New York Times.
Our girl Terri made her NYT debut!!!

My In-Laws Are Careless About My Deadly Food Allergy!, Ask Polly.

Why are there so many new books about time-travelling lesbians?, The Guardian.

Bad summer, Grief Bacon.

Everything We Learned About Women’s Anatomy from Male Authors, Electric Lit.

Great tweets

“Potatoes in literally any form”

“The full scene with sound is just the greatest scene I’ve ever watched.”

“If you don’t like it…MOVE”

“to all the girlfriends”

Have a great Sunday! 🦁

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Extremely good shit: McLeod Farms peaches

As you may know, I’m not a fan of summer. But one way I’ve been making it more bearable in recent years is by ordering a box of peaches from McLeod Farms, a South Carolina operation that came on my radar several years ago when I lived in Houston.

These peaches are awesome in the dictionary-definition sense of the word. So juicy, so fragrant, so special. Every bit of them detaches from the pit so easily and cleanly, it’s genuinely remarkable. Getting a box of them delivered has become one of the highlights of my summer.

But you don’t have to take my word for it! Here are some of the things my friends have had to say about them:

“This is truly the best peach I’ve ever eaten.”

“I should have eaten that in the bathtub.”

“That was obscene.”

“I should not have eaten that in public.” (I heard this more than once!)

The peaches go on sale every year in the late spring. They are sold by the box; you can either buy a box of 14 (for $48) or a box of 28 (for $78), and when you order, you select the week you want them delivered. (They ship in June, July, and August. Also, shipping to NYC is free, but I’m not sure if that’s the case everywhere.)

These peaches aren’t cheap, which is, for me, part of what makes them so special; I make a point to really savor them (I always try to enjoy at least one while sitting outside), and to share them with friends who will appreciate them.

Oprah once said* something to the effect of “you can find God in a perfectly ripe tomato,” and I think about this whenever I eat one of these peaches. (And, yes, then I obviously have a minor existential crisis about climate change and my own mortality. It happens at the beach, too! Summer is great!!!) They are just…sublime.

*I am fairly certain it was on the final page of an issue of O Magazine that I read like a decade ago, but I have never been able to track down the exact quote, so this could be entirely made-up!!! But if Oprah didn’t say it, then I will: You can find God in a perfectly ripe summer fruit. ✨

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‘‘The Orange’’

Today is my 34th birthday! I’m eagerly awaiting a box of fresh peaches from McLeod Farms (truly the Platonic ideal of a peach, and maybe all fruit), which are due to arrive any minute, and which have me thinking about “The Orange,” a beautiful poem by Wendy Cope that I just love. Here it is:

At lunchtime I bought a huge orange—
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave—
They got quarters and I had a half.

And that orange, it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.
This is peace and contentment. It's new.

The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I'm glad I exist. ✨

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Reading list: Gun violence in America

It’s another grim Monday in the United States. I woke up at 5:45 a.m. today after having a nightmare about guns, so I put together this list (which I’ll continue to update) of the best articles I’ve read over the past several years about gun violence and the gun industry/lobby/laws in America.

To Keep and Bear Arms, The New York Review of Books.
This is probably the best thing I’ve ever read on gun violence in the United States, because it puts the Second Amendment in linguistic and historical context, and explains all the ways it’s been perverted by lobbyists. The article is currently behind a paywall, but I happened to save the entire thing to Evernote back when I first read it, which you can access here.

The Gun Industry's Deadly Addiction, Rolling Stone.

What Bullets Do to Bodies, Highline / Huffington Post.

The Gun Control Movement Needs Its Own Pro-Life Fanatics, Gawker.

The NRA Supported Gun Control When the Black Panthers Had the Weapons, The Root.

Thou Shalt Kill, Gawker.

A Drumbeat of Multiple Shootings, but America Isn’t Listening, The New York Times.

Stop Calling Children’s Gun Deaths “Accidental”, Slate.

How Credit Cards Are Used to Finance Mass Shootings, The New York Times.

The Florida Airport Gunman Shows How Domestic Violence Predicts Mass Killing, The Cut.

America’s gun problem has everything to do with America’s masculinity problem, Quartz.

Things More Heavily Regulated Than Buying a Gun in the United States, McSweeney’s.

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Just Good Shit: 08.04.19

On Friday, I turned in the first draft of my manuscript — three days early!!!! — which felt pretty good. Here’s what else I had going on…

On the blog

Reading

This week, I read Rosemary: The Hidden Kennedy Daughter, which Terri recommended to me ages ago. As far as works of non-fiction go, it’s very good (and is a surprisingly fast read) but it’s also incredibly upsetting and tragic. Still, I’d recommend it.

Also:

Marianne Williamson's Democratic debate performance raised eyebrows. But she's no friend of the left., NBC News.

'These kids are ticking time bombs': The threat of youth basketball and Under the knife: Exposing America's youth basketball crisis, ESPN.

To Cheat and Lie in L.A.: How the College-Admissions Scandal Ensnared the Richest Families in Southern California, Vanity Fair.
This was fascinating, infuriating, and illuminating.

The Mosquitoes Are Coming for Us, The New York Times.

"I Had a Miscarriage", A Cup of Jo.
I loved this essay.

Lana Wood, Natalie’s Little Sister, Has Plenty to Say, The New York Times.

Money Talks: one spouse had student loans, the other paid it all off, The Goods / Vox.

Jia Tolentino Can’t Help But Love Fancy Skincare, Into the Gloss.

We Can’t Risk Losing to Donald Trump By Believing In Anything, McSweeny’s.

“PLOT TWIST, the world's first gender-reveal party baby is a girl who wears suits!”

Best life

I’ve been living in these black bike shorts from Amazon ($32.99 for a pack of six, sizes S-3XL) this summer and I highly recommend them! (I have the size small.)

I went to Lemon’s on Friday night and really enjoyed it! It’s on the roof of the Wythe Hotel, and the drinks were great (as were the chips) and the overall vibe was so cozy. (BTW, if you want a great rooftop view of the NYC skyline, it’s probably worth it to reserve an outdoor table.)

If you love a good scam (who doesn’t???) and true crime, might I suggest American Greed? I recently rediscovered it on Hulu and was reminded why I liked it so much several years ago. It has everything you want from an hour-long true crime show, but none of the dead women.

And I don’t own this National Parks Polaroid camera, but I really wish I did!

Have a great Sunday! 🍒

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A cute little idea for your next birthday

This morning I was thinking about the fact that it’s now August, aka the month of my birth, and I remembered a cute idea my friend Julia gave me a couple of years ago.

She said she uses any birthday coupons she receives (like the Madewell birthday discount, etc.) to order goodies for herself online, but she doesn’t open the packages as she receives them — instead, she waits until her birthday proper. Then on her bday, she opens these packages along with any gifts she receives in the mail from her friends/family all at once. (I learned all of this when I visited her one February, and she told me that was the reason for the big pile of unopened packages in her foyer.) So cute, right? I already do this with Christmas gifts, but I really like the idea of doing it for birthdays (and waiting to open any bday cards as well).

Speaking of birthdays, here’s a cute old Terri post you might like: 17 Fun And Different Birthday Ideas If You're Really Not Into Parties.

Anyway, it’s August, I’m finally going to get my free Drunk Elephant gift at Sephora, and I’m going to wait and start using it on my birthday next week! 🎉

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Anomia is my new favorite group game

I played a new-to-me game called Anomia ($14.39 from Amazon) for the first time with friends last weekend and I liked it so much, I ordered it for myself before I’d even left the party!

Here’s the high-level explanation of how it works: players take turns drawing cards; the goal is to be the first person to blurt out a word that fits the category on any other card that has the same symbol as your card does. So if you are holding a card with a yellow diamond that says “U.S. president,” and someone draws a card with a yellow diamond that says “something with wings,” then you want to shout out something with wings before the person with the other card names a U.S. president.

Anomia is mostly about concentration and creativity, and I really enjoyed it! It’s very portable (important!!!) and park-friendly, a single game goes quickly, and it’s just fun. It’s much easier to learn than Codenames (though I do love Codenames); it’s more fun than Apples to Apples; and it’s way more wholesome/SFW than Cards Against Humanity. (That said, if you do enjoy CAH, you might like Anomia X, a sold-separately version of the game that has “bad manners.”)

Per the product page, it’s for 3-6 players, ages 10+ (but there’s a kids’ version for ages 5+), and it’s possible to play it if you’re colorblind (because the colors on the cards don’t matter — only the symbols do).

Overall, it’s just incredibly low-maintenance and fun, and I’ll definitely be packing it for my family vacation next month!

Buy it from Amazon for $14.39. (There is also a “party version” that has four additional decks aka more variety for $24.) ✨

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Just Good Shit: 07.28.19

It’s a light/late one this week! I didn’t have much time for Internet this week, and I spent the entire day today at Jacob Riis. (It was lovely!) Here’s what I’ve got for you…

Reading

I re-read Valley of the Dolls, as planned! And I’m currently reading The Island by Elin Hildebrand. I’m really enjoying reading so many books by a single author in a row like this…it sort of reminds me of reading The Baby-Sitters’ Club books when I was younger — like you see all the little quirks and consistencies across the books. (In Hildebrand’s case, there are a lot of Sancerres and Asiatic lilies, for starters.)

Also:

The Crane Wife, The Paris Review.
“There is nothing more humiliating to me than my own desires. Nothing that makes me hate myself more than being burdensome and less than self-sufficient. I did not want to feel like the kind of nagging woman who might exist in a sit-com.” This essay really is as good as everyone has been saying it is.

A woman's greatest enemy? A lack of time to herself, The Guardian.

“Is this guy constantly texting me after I told him not to because he ‘doesn’t understand’ boundaries or because he doesn’t care about them?”, Captain Awkward.

What Big Little Lies Got Wrong About Bonnie, The Atlantic.

Big Little Lies Is Drowning in Its Own Good Intentions About Race, Slate.

Why is everyone on Tinder so obsessed with tacos?, Vox.

Why Has Language Changed So Much So Fast? ‘Because Internet’, The New York Times.
Very excited to read this book.

Why I Always Spend 20 Minutes In The Bathroom When I Get Home, Apartment Therapy.
Terri!! 💛

Have a great Sunday! 🌊

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