Some questions to consider before having a tough conversation

I recently read a 2016 HBR article about when to skip difficult conversations, and it included a checklist of 11 questions to ask yourself that I thought were really smart/helpful. Here are a few of my favorites from the list:

What is my “secret agenda” or “hidden hope” for this conversation? (Long-term harmony? Revenge? That they will change?)
What’s my contribution to the situation?
Do I tend to look for problems with this person or about this issue?
How long ago did it arise? Is it a repeat or recurring problem? Could it become one?
How committed am I to being “right”?
What reasonable, actionable solution can I offer?
Is this the right person to talk to about this issue?

It’s so easy to come up with excuses to justify skipping a tough conversation (“it doesn’t really matter, they won’t change anyway”)…or to make something your problem when it’s actually not just because you’re horny for conflict and justice. These questions are a good way to step outside some of those feelings and get a clearer sense of the best way to proceed.

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Rosé + Spindrift is my go-to drink for summer 2019

Image of bottle of rosé and can of Spindrift on red wooden table on sunny rooftop with patio furniture and string lights

Last month, I came across this tweet from Maris Kreizman: “I don’t know who needs to hear this but Raspberry Lime Spindrift mixed with rosé is the ideal summer spritzer.”

Reader, it is good. I don’t actually love Spindrift, rosé, or lime flavoring alone, but the combination just works. I’ve brought it to a few parties and it’s been a hit every time! Highly recommend. ✨

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Just Good Shit: 07.07.19

This week, I was still really sick with an upper respiratory tract infection. I actually spent several days with no voice. I’ve never lost my voice before, and I found the experience pretty surreal and unpleasant. But I wrote 21,226 words in my manuscript this week (an all-time high for me!) and I’ve finally stopped coughing violently, so I’m feeling pretty OK at the moment!

Here’s what else I had going on…

On the blog

Reading

Perversion of Justice, the Miami Herald’s three-part story on Jeffrey Epstein.

Politics Is Changing; Why Aren’t the Pundits Who Cover It?, The Cut.

He Cyberstalked Teen Girls for Years—Then They Fought Back, Wired.

The Obvious Value of Communication is Perhaps Not So Obvious, Cal Newport.
“When I encounter a typical knowledge economy office, with its hive mind buzz of constant unstructured conversation, I don’t see a super-connected, fast-moving and agile organization — I instead see a poorly designed distributed system.”

Get To Know The 2019 U.S. Women’s National Team, FiveThirtyEight.

Convicted of assault and accused of rape, star player received raft of second chances, Seattle Times.
Watching the World Cup today made me think of Hope Solo, which then led me to re-read this 2008 Seattle Times longread about her husband, Jerramy Stevens. It is…a lot.

The Problematic Past and Enduring Appeal of Dr. Seuss, MEL Magazine.

How to Make the Most of Summer Without Feeling the *Pressure*, Man Repeller.

So Your Friends Had a Kid. Here's How to Hang Out With Them Even If They Eat Dinner at 5 p.m., Bon Appétit.

A Genius Packing Tip for Your Honeymoon, A Cup of Jo.
This is a pretty old post, but I really love the red item tip! (Also, it’s not just for honeymoons.)

So the President F*cking Hates My Girlfriend, The Players Tribune.
Ahhh, this whole thing is a goddamn delight.

Extremely into

@DiscoCubes on Instagram.

Live-action references (which is a thing I’d never heard of, but makes perfect sense once you see it) for Disney movies! Check out Hercules and The Little Mermaid.

The fact that a human uterus is so much smaller than I thought?!?!? (Note: that picture is of a human organ so it’s a bit gory!)

I Love Hue, a gentle, dreamy phone game that looks like “San Junipero” and “Nosedive” had a baby, and that a blog reader recommended to me! If you’ve ever thought “What if Tiles got hot???” this is the game for you.

Buying

A denim jacket! I never bother with the J. Crew sale rack, but the other day, I was moved to…and then came upon this jacket — in a color that I, for no real reason, always think of as “I’m baby purple” — that happened to be an extra 50% off the sale price. (So, $45.) I’ve never been a jean jacket person, but I really like this! (Note: it runs a bit big; I bought an XS.)

Have a great Sunday! ⚽️

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Just Good Bops: July

Happy 4th of July, everyone! When I think of the 4th of July, I think of barbecuing. And when I think of barbecuing, I don’t actually think of “manning the grill” — I think of three to four friends hovering around the host’s grill, offering vague suggestions for how to get the coals going (is that even a thing??? I’m my own friend and I’m offering myself useless lighter fluid “advice”) while everyone else drinks beers and melts in the 88 degree heat. Which is all to say: when I think of July, I think of mellow time spent with friends. And because indie rock pairs nicely with low-key hangs, I used it as a jumping off point for this playlist.

Once you’re on Spotify, you should really click through and listen to these albums in full:

Hurry on Home, Sleater Kinney

Ok, so this isn’t technically an album (it’s just a single), but I wanted to call it out because not only is it the riot grrrl band’s first new song since their 2015 album No Cities To Love, it’s also an Annie Clark, aka St. Vincent, collaboration. Obviously I’m living for the ~ drama ~ of Carrie Brownstein working with her ex, but St. Vincent is an unbelievably talented guitarist who mixes jazz and prog rock into songs that slap. I’m also a big Talking Heads fan, so the 2012 joint St. Vincent and David Byrne album, Love This Giant, is a personal favorite of mine, but I digress. More important: this gives me an opportunity to share the best Portlandia sketch.

Fucking Money Man, Rosalía

This also isn’t an album; it’s two tracks that Rosalía released as bundle yesterday. She took out a full page ad in the business section (!!!) of the Spanish newspaper, El País, that says “Fucking Money Man.” Between this ad, the album cover art, and the daytime game show inspired music video for “Milionària”, everything about this release has been a delight. I’m in awe of Rosalía and her ability to release absolute bangers on such a consistent basis.

And here’s the usual disclaimer! I’ve never been good at curating a playlist that ebbs and flows in just the right way, so just throw this shit on shuffle and have a good time. 🎧

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Notes on Camp (Pride)

A couple weeks ago, my girlfriend and I threw a Pride party. Pride means something different to every queer person; this year, she and I were both in need of community, friendship, joy, humor, creativity, and something public(ish), and that’s exactly what we got. The party was affirming and special and lovely and fun, and I’m so glad we did it.

So that is what the party was about, but that’s not what Pride as a whole is about (read more on that topic in the New York Times here and here), and it’s not what this post is about! This post is about cute enamel pins, delicious jello shots, and tips for assembling beaded friendship bracelets when you’ve consumed several of said jello shots and are sitting on a very windy roof. I actually wasn’t planning to write about the party at all, but after I got some questions about it on Instagram, I decided to share some details about the DIY projects, the relevant shopping links*, and my thoughts on what worked well. But I don’t want to give the impression that that’s all that this party (or Pride in general) meant to me.

*If this post happens to generate any affiliate revenue, I’m planning to donate it to the Audre Lorde project.

Cool? Cool. Onto the party!

The theme

We started planning this party right after the Met Gala, so when the topic of theme came up, I was like, “Literal camp? Please, I’m begging you????” (I’ve always just loved summer camp shit.) The camp theme worked out well — it’s summery, it’s equal parts wholesome and horny, and it’s really practical/inexpensive to pull off. (Like, most of what we needed could be found at any party store/craft store/big-box store.) Plus, allies could easily dress on theme without worrying about being appropriative.

The week leading up to the party felt like a combination of Halloween, school plays, and summer camp, and I was living for it. It’s been a while since I got to do a big burst of arts and crafts like this, and it felt great.

The refreshments

We didn’t do anything too special in this regard, but we did make these cherry lemonade jello shots. I tend to hate the taste of jello shots but these did not taste like vodka at all. Definitely recommend! I also made French onion dip using the classic Lipton mix because it never fails, and I believe in giving people what they want!

The decorations

We kept the decor very low-key overall, and bought everything from Michaels and Party City. Early on, we talked about doing more in terms of decor, but it wasn’t logistically possible and it wouldn’t have been worth it anyway. As someone who always wants to do The Most (I take after my mom in this regard!), it was nice to give myself permission to just…not.

We did spend a not-insignificant amount of time at Party City on 14th Street trying to figure out the exact right combination of colored cups for our rainbow. (They stock…way more options than you might think?!) I think every single color was in our cart briefly at some point, but honestly, it was worth it. And the coral cups we found on a Pantone Color of the Year display at the last minute really pulled their weight. Also, the Pendleton-knockoff blanket my girlfriend found in the back of her closet two days before the party made a great second tablecloth. We also bought glow sticks and bubbles, and asked a friend to bring her Instax camera.

The pennants

My girlfriend suggested we make collegiate-style pennants as part of the decor, and I had made some in the past and thought it would be a good low-lift option for this party! This project was mostly just a treat for me, and an excuse to dust off my beloved Cricut (gifted to me years ago). The pennant slogans were Gal Pals, Gay!, Bottoms, We’re Tops!, Both Teams, Pride, and Horny. And you might not be able to tell from the photos, but the lettering was glittery/holographic.

The pronoun koozies

I decided to buy a set of 12 solid colored koozies on Amazon during one of our big party purchases, thinking they’d be cute/colorful/festive, and that maybe I could add some fun text onto them. The colors were a bit disappointing IRL — like, a third of them were really muddy — so I decided to buy a second 12-pack of all lavender koozies, which were perfect, especially alongside the brighter colors. I really wanted to Cricut some kind of word or phrase onto them, but I knew whatever I went with would have to be really short to fit/be legible. Meanwhile, we’d had a difficult time finding pronoun stickers or temporary tattoos in time for the party. It was my girlfriend’s idea to just put the pronouns on the koozies, and it felt like a win-win. (I also left several blank so there were options.)

For reasons too boring and complicated to get into here, I had a bunch of unexpected trouble with the iron-on vinyl at first, so these projects could have looked a lot better, but I think they still looked pretty OK! The rainbow holographic vinyl is really special and looked so beautiful on the koozies IRL, and I’m excited to use it on other projects! (Oh, and if you’re wondering, that font is Corben Bold.)

Shopping list:

The friendship bracelets

This was also my girlfriend’s idea, and I was all for it, as I love friendship bracelets. I’m also a big fan of having some sort of activity at every party that’s neither drinking nor dancing. We had a bunch of embroidery floss for braided bracelets at the ready, but — perhaps unsurprisingly — everyone wanted to make letter bead bracelets that said things like “horny” and “butthole” and “Kirstie Alley” instead.

Here’s what I will say: I spent my evenings the week leading up to the party making beaded bracelets for my girlfriend and I and for some of my close friends, because I wanted to get good at it before we unleashed them on the world. And it turns out, this was the right move — letter bead bracelets are surprisingly fussy! For starters, you can’t put most letter beads on embroidery floss (it’s too thick), and working with the elastic cord definitely takes some getting used to. And you need to have some kind of stopper on the string when you are adding the beads so they don’t fall off. Also, if people fuck up when tying a completed bead bracelet, it’ll break. They’ll have wasted all that time and energy making a bracelet, and you’ll end up with beads everywhere, which no one wants. In our case, I ended up printing out a bunch of tips for making the beaded bracelets + an image of how to tie them in case I wasn’t around to do it, which felt a tiny bit extra but turned out to be a good idea. Another tip: keep all of the supplies on large tray to help avoid a major bead incident and to make cleanup easier. (The tray was also very helpful when I was working on the bracelets in the apartment.) And don’t ignore the advice to pre-stretch the cord, and to reinforce the knot with super glue.

That said, it was completely worth the effort because the bracelets were cute and funny and fun and very photogenic. And a lot more people than I was expecting to made bracelets, which made me happy! But it’s not the kind of thing we could have just decided to do a day before and had it work.

Tutorials I used:

Inspiration pic
How to Make a Beaded Bracelet (SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT WIKIHOW BUT THEY DO GENUINELY GOOD SERVICE JOURNALISM)
How to Make Stretch Bracelets That Don't Break
Working With Stretch Magic

Shopping list:

Black and white letter beads ($10.69 from Amazon)
Colorful letter beads ($10.69 from Amazon)
Rainbow assortment pony beads ($16.98 from Amazon)
Pastel and jelly bead kit ($16.98 from Amazon)
Mini alligator clamps, used as bead stoppers ($5.99 from Amazon)
Elastic bead cord ($6.59 from Amazon)
We also bought a small bag of shape beads at Michael’s that had hearts, stars, peace signs, and flowers in assorted colors that got a lot of use!

The outfits

Our guests showed up in a range of great on-theme looks that included “slutty Boy Scout,” a Smokey Bear–style uniform and hat, and an extremely minor character in The Parent Trap. There were also lots of good neckerchiefs and accessories, and everyone looked so summery and cute! (We also bought a pack of 12 neckerchiefs in solid colors in case anyone was feeling stressed about what to wear.)

For our part, my girlfriend and I decided to bring Big Camp Counselor Energy. (TBH, I think I bring that energy…most days.)

I wore a light blue ringer tee, mustard yellow dolphin shorts with a pastel rainbow patch, a rainbow striped bandanna, my sparkle emoji pin, and my National Parks–inspired rainbow pin that says “This land was made for you and me.” (This pin makes me and also everyone who reads it surprisingly emotional???) And I wore striped camp socks and my blue Crocinstocks from Freedom Moses. My girlfriend’s outfit was essentially the same, but she had a mustard yellow ringer tee, lavender shorts, lavender slides, and her own enamel pins. And we both had gold whistles, plus friendship bracelets we made ourselves that matched our own personal aesthetics.

I also went to Sephora for a makeup mini the day of, which is a free thing anyone can do! You just have to book ahead (go here, and then filter by “services”) and they’ll do a 15-minute makeup application of your choosing (so, in my case, eye makeup and fake lashes). It was nice to not have to worry about it, and meant I didn’t have to buy the incredibly beautiful $40 Tarte palette for just a single use of that amazing gold glittery shadow.

Shopping list:

One final thing…

I’ve written before about how much I love The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker, and once again, it really came in handy! We put so much of the advice from the book into practice for this party, including pre-game your guests, don’t be a chill host, and don’t end a funeral with logistics. But the tip that really served us was setting a purpose for the gathering. Doing that back in May was really helpful, and it meant we knew exactly what a “good” party would feel like. It was just a great night all around, and everyone who came really showed up for us. It was all really special, and I just feel so happy and grateful right now! ☀️

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Just Good Shit: 06.30.19

Good evening and happy Pride! This post is limping across the finish line because I have been so sick with a terrible summer cough for the past week/all weekend. (I’ve also completely lost my voice, which is pretty homophobic, given that it’s World Pride.)

Here’s what else I’ve got for you this week…

On the blog

Showing Up

I'm currently seeking stories for my book about times people REALLY showed up for a friend! If someone showed up for you in a particularly thoughtful/remarkable/creative way (big or small!) and you'd like to tell me about it, you can fill out this form.

Annnnd (OR!) if you have more general tips for supporting a friend in a difficult situation that you've personally experienced and you'd like to share those tips with me, this other form is for you!

Reading

The Unimaginable Reality of American Concentration Camps, The New Yorker.

Bodies in Seats, The Verge.

The Wild Ride at Babe.Net, The Cut.

The Most Fabulous Old Folks Home, The New York Times.

Happy Pride From AT&T and the $1.8 Million It Gave to Anti-LGBTQ+ and Republican Candidates, Jezebel.

Megan Rapinoe isn’t here to make you comfortable, The Washington Post.

How E-Commerce Sites Manipulate You Into Buying Things You May Not Want, The New York Times.

Co–Star Rising, Vanity Fair.

Mr. Rogers Had a Simple Set of Rules for Talking to Children, The Atlantic.

How a Brand Name Becomes Generic, The New York Times.
I love this as a trivia topic and I learned several new ones from this article!

‘Not Great, Bob!’: The Making of Mad Men’s Greatest Meme, Vulture.

"Their Handsome Father, Ned Wakefield", Shatner Chatner.
For the Sweet Valley fans.

Which U.S. Presidents Were Wife Guys? An Investigation, The Cut.

P.S. Reading list: Pride edition

Have a great Sunday! 🏳️‍🌈

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Alanis Morissette's "four boundaries" are so good

I read the new SELF profile of Alanis Morissette yesterday, and Alanis’s four boundaries are, hands down, my favorite part. Here’s what she said:

“I talk about this with my kids a lot, the four boundaries being: You can't tell me what I'm thinking, you can't tell me what I'm feeling, you can't fucking touch my body/you can't do anything with my body, and don't touch my stuff.”

Damn. It really does come down to that, doesn’t it? ✨

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I just love these Hanes tees

Earlier this month, I bought a long-sleeved T-shirt from the Brooklyn Museum gift shop. I like the design of the shirt just fine (it’s purple with bright orange text on the sleeves and back), but I love the shirt itself. It’s soft and lightweight and so comfortable; even when it was brand-new, it felt broken in. It’s the perfect weight for summer (particularly summer evenings, and/or when the AC is a tad too cold).

After wearing it constantly for a few weeks, I decided to see who made it because I was hoping to buy some plain ones in other colors. I was expecting it to be from some bougie wholesale T-shirt brand, but it turns out, it’s just a Hanes!

More specifically, it’s a Hanes ComfortWash, and it’s available in a bunch of different shirt styles and colors, and sizes S-5XL. I immediately ordered a bunch of the long-sleeved tees (regularly $18, but they have been on sale for $9 for the past week or so) and a couple of short-sleeved tees (regularly $14, currently on sale for $7, but $4 when I bought mine). You can also sign up for Hanes emails and receive a coupon for $10 off a $50 purchase, bringing the total price down even further.

I bought white, soothing blue, saltwater, and summer squash, and my girlfriend got lavender, black, white, and cypress green, and we both opted for size small. (By the way, the colors are considerably softer and more muted IRL than they look in these photos — the green, yellow, and blues are extremely “your Real Simple–reading mom’s living room decorated via the beach/boat aisle at Home Goods,” which is obviously a good thing.)

The shirts are so comfy and easy (and 100% cotton!), the fit is nice without being, like, T-shirts—For Her™ (you know what I mean???), and the colors are lovely. If you need a grown-ass T-shirt to wear with your grown-ass shorts, I highly recommend! ✨

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Two cheap and easy ways to upgrade your phone charger

Here are two phone-related tips that I’ve found helpful in general, but especially during group trip season.

1. Get a 6-foot phone charger.

A long charger is just nice to have, but it’s particularly useful when you’re traveling, and may not be staying somewhere that has outlets near the bed/couch/whatever. Buy a single 6-foot charger from Amazon for $7.99, or get a two-pack (which is what I did) for $15.98.

2. Label your charger/cord with washi tape.

When you have several people with iPhones staying in the same place, it’s natural that chargers will get shared or lent out from time to time. Instead of attempting returning chargers to their rightful owners based on whose is frayed in a particular way, you can just label yours with washi tape so you can easily spot it at a glance. (I also found it helpful to do this with my work laptop charger and the phone charger I kept at my desk!)

You can get a roll of washi tape in the scrapbook section at Target or Michaels for a couple dollars, or get a beautiful set of 28 rolls from Amazon for $14.99. 📱

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Just Good Shit: 06.23.19

Hi! This week, I was busy working on my manuscript and prepping for the Pride party my gf and I hosted last night. Here’s what else I had going on…

On the blog

Two tips to keep in mind if you want to be a better conversationalist

Elsewhere

I’m writing a new column for SELF Magazine called A Little Better, and my first one went live this week: Not Great, Bob! The Case for Actually Being Honest When People Ask How You Are.

And I recently chatted with Brittany Luse of The Nod podcast; you can listen to the episode here: How to Show Up.

Reading

The Youngest Child Separated From His Family at the Border Was 4 Months Old, The New York Times.

Taylor Swift's 'You Need to Calm Down' Video Is Strangely Both Gay and Sexless, Esquire.
“The song and the video are a vague call for tolerance, conflating gayness with glitter and gowns, woven into a meditation on how Taylor Swift gets no respect, worded in such a way that if you—as the person whose culture is being co-opted for it—has a criticism, it is because you are being obsessive and hysterical. That’s quite a racket she’s got going there.”

No Shade, But There’s a Wrong Way to Make a Gay Anthem, Esquire.

Being Transgender at Goldman Sachs, The New York Times.

How I lost my legs and gained... you want me to say something inspiring here, The Outline.

Elin Hilderbrand Doesn’t Mind That You Call Her Books ‘Beach Reads’, The Cut.

The Case for Boring Office Clothes, The Atlantic.

Why so many beers have retro-looking cans, Vox.

I’m the boss who’s always late, Ask a Manager.

King Princess: Free to Be, them.

The Chicago Harp That Rules the World, Chicago Magazine.

The American Dreamsicle, Topic.
“In the mid-’20s, the Popsicle Corporation and Harry B. Burt, the inventor of the Good Humor bar, went to court over patents and eventually settled on an uneasy truce, wherein Good Humor bars would keep their square shape and ice-cream base, while Popsicles would have exclusive rights to the method that produced their more tubular form and would freeze only syrup, water, or sherbet on a stick.”

How “soccer girl” became the indisputably coolest look, Vox.

I loved this!

Watching

Rachel, the jaw-droppingly awkward 10-minute film (based on a true story!!!!!) from John Early and Kate Berlant which I want everyone to watch. (Once you watch, read this interview about it.) Also: Seth Meyers and Rihanna day drinking and Troop Beverly Hills (for the first time ever).

Have a great Sunday! 🍦

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On the blog

Reading

Extremely into

Buying

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Hurry on Home, Sleater Kinney

Fucking Money Man, Rosalía

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The theme

The refreshments

The decorations

The pennants

The pronoun koozies

The friendship bracelets

The outfits

One final thing…

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On the blog

Showing Up

Reading

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On the blog

Elsewhere

Reading

Watching

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