Last-minute Valentine's Day gift ideas for the discerning but procrastinating drugstore shopper

Image: Lex Guerra / Unsplash

To my girlfriend: stop reading right now.

Everyone else: hello.

So, it’s Valentine’s Day Eve (Valentine’s Day Jr. as we say around here) and perhaps you are feeling a bit worried that your Valentine’s Day gift/plans for your partner are not very exciting. Maybe they are even nonexistent! Not to worry — you can still pull this off. Even if you’re reading this on Valentine’s Day, I think you can still pull it off.

If you’re looking for last-minute gift ideas, surprises, or ways to make the day special, and are working with an “uhhh what’s available at Walgreens or the grocery store??” sort of timeline, here are some tips to keep in mind.

1. Embrace the classics.
   Chocolate/candy, flowers, underwear, love letters, romantic movies, love songs, lasagna, wine… these are all nice things! It’s perfectly OK to lean into the things that Valentine’s Day is known for; there’s no need to reinvent the wheel! As long as you’re shopping/planning a date with real intention, choosing things that you think your partner will actually appreciate, and not taking things too seriously, clichés are fine and good.

2. Lean into the kitsch—like, really lean into it.

   Here’s a tip for a great drugstore Valentine’s Day gift: if you must buy something kind of kitschy, buy the absolute largest version of it you can find. A regular heart-shaped balloon? Fine. Nothing wrong with that! A HUGE heart-shaped balloon? Fucking amazing, Several huge heart-shaped balloons? An apartment full of them??? Now we’re talking!!! Going for oversized kitschy items or multiples of kitschy items is silly and memorable and even impressive (buy out Trader Joe’s entire stock of bouquets, I dare you!!!) and I’m extremely here for it.

3. Consider that fairly small/simple items in Valentine’s Day colors can feel special, especially as part of a bigger gift.
   As you comb the aisles at CVS or do a power-lap through the mall, keep this fact in mind. There’s something about, say, really red socks or a really pink phone charger that makes them feel like a Valentine’s Day Gift in a way that yellow socks or turquoise charger would not. When you’re doing your last-minute shop, look for small, on-theme items (like a sharp red Moleskine or a beautiful rosy hoodie) that you can combine with a consumable (flowers, a nice bottle of wine, etc.) to create a really nice gift.

4. Related: look for solid-colored pink, red, lavender, or white wrapping, trimmings, etc.
   Sometimes, the offering of, say, Valentine’s Day gift bags won’t be kitschy enough to feel fun/intentionally corny, and instead will feel kind of sad. In that case, check out the regular gift wrap section, where you’ll likely be able to find plain bags, tissue paper, and ribbons in traditional Valentine’s Day colors that will ultimately look nicer and more considered.

5. Toss/swap any packaging that looks cheap.
   If you don’t want it to look like you just went to the drugstore to buy a gift, get rid of the evidence that proves you just went to the drugstore to buy a gift! That might mean cutting the clear plastic wrap off of store bought flowers and re-wrapping them in a solid color tissue paper, kraft paper, or even newsprint, or removing other packaging that’s not particularly cute/pretty.

6. Don’t sleep on bookstores.
   A lot of bookstores have a game/puzzle section, where you might find something fun/cute/fairly unexpected that your partner will like. They also tend to just be well-curated for gift giving in general (bonus: you can buy a card while you’re there) and are worth checking out if there’s one that’s not too out of your way.

7. Consider the homemade coupon.
   I’m always surprised by how much people love receiving homemade coupons for things like, say, a foot rub or taking the dog out. If you think your partner would be into something like this, here are some Valentine's Day coupons that Terri came up with a few years ago that are very cute! (FYI, the printable versions took a while to load for me, but they popped up eventually.) The more personal/specific the coupons are to your partner and your relationship, the more meaningful and fun they gift will be.

8. Always give a card or letter.
   Love letters are sweet and good and basically free. If you’re not sure what to say or are worried that you’re not a good enough writer, these tips from an expert I talked to a few years ago might be helpful. And if you’re at a loss for words or intimidated by the blank page, embrace the humble list. (“Things I like about you” really never goes out of style.)

Finally, this all might seem like a lot of fuss for “a Hallmark holiday” and I suppose it is. But demonstrable, undeniable effort is meaningful to a lot of people, even if the reasons behind the gift or card are fairly arbitrary or driven by capitalism. If Valentine’s Day is your partner’s love language—and it is a lot of people’s, whether you like it or understand it or not—you should try to show up for them. Yes, you might already show your love for them all the other days of the year… but if that’s the case, why not also show your love for them on the day when they’d really like you to do so? Love and connection is rare, life is short, and making sure your people know exactly how much they mean to you is pretty much always a good idea. 💘

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The girlfriend hoodie

My girlfriend, her hoodie, and my dog

It’s cozy season, so it seems like a good time to plug the Gap Vintage Soft Carbonized Pullover Hoodie, which I’m a big fan of. It’s super soft and just the right weight; the creamy color is perfect; the fit is great (not too baggy/bulky, but not too slim either); it’s held up well in the wash; and it looks fairly polished. I am not really a hoodie person, but I love this sweatshirt.

It’s technically a men’s hoodie—my friend Devin owns two in black (“and that’s not even enough” he told me), and it looks great on him too. But my girlfriend was actually the one who first discovered it; she bought it for herself right before Valentine’s Day last year…in part, she said, because she knew I’d like it on her. She was right; I liked it so much that I bought one for myself! We now have four of them between us. (There was a sale, and having a backup of a beloved item is just practical!!!) My favorite way to wear it is with white Lou & Grey soft pants and cozy socks, or with white or blue Levi’s. 

Thinking about this hoodie, the other clothes I’ve discovered via my girlfriend, and the items from the men’s department that I own and love, I was reminded of the 2016 Racked article “The Presumptions of ‘Boyfriend’ Clothes”:

“The idea that men and women are supposed to be certain sizes in relation and proportion to one another is reinforced by boyfriend clothing. Images of heterosexual relationships almost invariably show a woman so small she is swallowed up by her boyfriend’s clothes. All my life I’ve worked to shake the idea that my relationships don’t count because they have not looked like this. But what the boyfriend shirt is selling is that very idea, love defined by comparative body size.

Women wear, and always have worn, masculine clothing for myriad reasons, reasons to do with identity and reasons that have nothing to do with identity, reasons to do with gender and reasons that have nothing to do with gender, and reasons to do with the fact the men’s clothes have pockets far more often than women’s clothes do. I might buy a men’s shirt for a million reasons that have nothing to do with a man.”

Buy it for yourself, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, or your partner from Gap for $35. (Available in sizes XS-XXXL and eight different colors; for reference, I own the size small.)

Related: Hanes tees and girlfriend shorts. ✨

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I would lay down my life for this Hobonichi Techo planner

I’d been thinking about buying a Hobonichi Techo Cousin planner ($35.04) for two years, so I finally decided to go for it this fall. It’s just such a good planner, and after four years of dot journaling in a Leuchtturm notebook, I’m ready for a little change! I ordered my Hobonichi Techo Cousin back in October, and I’m legitimately looking forward to January 1 so I can start using it.

Here’s the deal with the Hobonichi Techo, from the website:

The Hobonichi Techo is a planner notebook created by staff members of the website Hobo Nikkan Itoi Shinbun, shortened as Hobonichi. Techo (pronounced “tetch-oh”) is a Japanese word for a planner notebook. We also describe the Hobonichi Techo as a Life Book; it demonstrates the planner notebook’s versatility and freedom that accommodates every user’s unique personality and lifestyle. It first came out as a 2002 edition, which was created when the members — who weren’t professional planner designers — decided to get together and create a brand new kind of planner that they would actually want to use themselves. There are 18 years of history behind the current book. New varieties have appeared over the years in response to customer requests, and all the techos improve every year based on these requests and feedback. New cover designs are released every year so that using a Hobonichi Techo carries an extra sense of excitement and enjoyment. In recent years people from all over the world have begun to use the techo — there are now over 780,000 users worldwide!

I was able to look at several different Hobonichi Techo planners back in late 2017, and the Cousin was my personal favorite. (It was also my favorite of all of the planners I looked at in 2017, and I looked at…a fuckton of planners that year.) It’s more guided than a dot journal — but not annoyingly so — and really nails both form and function.

I highly recommend going to the Cousin’s About section and clicking through all of the different tabs to see/read about the features, because there are a lot of them! But here are some of the things I like about it, if you’re curious…

Size

The Cousin (the A5) is the biggest of all of the Techo planners, but isn’t huge…it’s 5.8” x 8.3”, so it’s fairly close in size to the Leuchtturm I’ve been using for years. It is the perfect size for me.

If you want a smaller planner, the original Hobonichi Techo (A6) ($20.02) is also good. (You can also buy the original on Amazon.) I actually bought the original by accident because I got confused when I was placing my order. (One way to remember which one is which: the Cousin is the big one, much like Cousin Greg is the big one on Succession.) While the original is perfectly nice (and my girlfriend is happy to take it off my hands), I prefer one with more room to write on each day, aka the Cousin.

The paper

Ugh, this notebook. I just love it! The paper is super thin and smooth and feels so luxurious. The journal also has layflat binding (which means it will easily lay open/flat on your desk).

Image: Hobonichi Techo

The cream-colored cover is lovely, and even though it’s super lightweight, it’s surprisingly durable. (I tried bending the corners of the sample one I received, and couldn’t.) You can also buy a cover for it, but I didn’t go that route; instead, I bought a mesh pouch at McNally Jackson to transport it in.

There are different colors of ink used throughout the journal (the daily pages for each month are printed in a different color, for example) but the colors still feel fairly neutral. Also, a lot of the grids and other details are designed to be guidelines that you can only see up close (similar to the dots in a dot grid journal), so those are printed in a fairly light ink.

The page design

So, the big difference between this planner and the dot journaling method is that the Cousin is pre-printed. So, the pages come with dates and other information already on them, and each day gets its own page. There is also a year-at-glance view, monthly calendar pages, a spot for goals/tasks each month, weekly pages (with an hourly breakdown that I like a lot), and then the daily pages. This isn’t ideal if you want to be able to write really long journal entries some days, or to add in a new spread about, say, your favorite books wherever you feel like it. But it’s great if you want something convenient that is kind of doing the work for you, and/or you don’t mind when your journal or planner bosses you around a little bit.

I tend to be way too picky to enjoy pre-designed daily pages, but in this case, they are designed so well and so thoughtfully that I really like them. There’s an hourly breakdown on the left side of the page if you want to use it (but that’s easy to ignore), and then there is space on the right where you can list tasks/to-dos. (There is also a light “invisible line” down the middle that you can use to separate the two if you want to.) And there is space at the bottom for journaling/notes. You can also use the daily pages as a sketchbook or regular journal…like, you can just kind of easily write or doodle over the printed page designs if you want.

Features

The Cousin has several thoughtful/cute touches throughout that I love, including the moon phase on each daily page; subtle color tabs for each month of the year; a mini monthly calendar every two pages; and a “warm up page” at the beginning where you can reflect on the past year/set the tone of the new year. In the back of the notebook, there is blank graph paper; a “Favorites” page where you can document your favorite songs, movies, books, purchases, etc.; and a “My 100” page that you can use for anything you want (wins, top moments, goals, favorites, etc.).

Another thing people seem to love about these planners is that they have a quote on each page. This is actually not my thing, but it’s sort of moot because in the Cousin, all the quotes are in Japanese, so I can’t read them.

Shopping

I will say that the Hobonichi Techo website is a tad hard to navigate, in part because there some choices to be made: you have to figure out which planner you want, and whether you’d like the week starts to start on Sunday or Monday. You can also buy the Cousin Avec, where you get two notebooks that each last six months instead of one notebook for the whole year. And if you want to pick out a cover, there are a lot of options.

Once you make your selection, you’ll get routed to a different interface to purchase, and you’ll have to make sure it’s all in USD. It’s also not the most user friendly, but it’s also not prohibitively difficult to use. And both notebooks I ordered arrived very quickly (especially considering that they were shipping from Japan).

TL;DR: The Hobonichi Techo Cousin planner is super elegant and well-designed, and I am very excited to start using mine in January! Buy the 2020 Cousin for $35.04. 🗓

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Tiny party tip: state your shoe intentions in advance

Image: Birdies

As winter party season approaches, I feel compelled to share a bit of advice that I consider crucial to being a good host/good friend. It’s quite simple: if you are a shoes-off household, tell your party guests that at some point in advance of said party.

Why is this so important? Well, because snowy/sleety boots are, understandably, the sort of thing many people don’t want inside their homes. Which is fine! I have no problem with this approach! But showing up to a party and being asked to remove your shoes when you weren’t planning to ranges from mildly annoying to a real inconvenience. Like, maybe you wore very bad socks that night, or you aren’t even wearing socks. Maybe you built your entire outfit around your cute shoes, which are now sitting in your friend’s hallway. None of these scenarios are life-threatening, of course, but all can make a guest feel slightly off their game in a way that is at odds with good hospitality. And it’s all avoidable because you can just tell people up front what the situation is!

You can mention this in the Flyer. You can throw it in with the dress code/what to wear. You can work it in during the flurry of “See you tonight!” “What should I bring?” “BTW our doorbell doesn’t really work!” texts in the days before the party. Truly, the medium doesn’t matter; all that matters is that the message gets conveyed some place that is not your front door.

If you’re a shoes-on household, I think it’s more acceptable to say nothing, because most folks assume that a party is going to be shoes-on. But I also think it’s probably a good idea to make a habit of it regardless!

Some of my friends and I have started texting each other, “Is this a shoes-off or a shoes-on situation?” before gatherings, which works perfectly well, and is always an option if your host hasn’t taken this advice.

In general, I don’t consider myself dogmatic about most things I write about. Like, use these tips or don’t! I don’t know your life!!! But this is one thing I actually feel very strongly about. Like, just tell your guests what to expect, especially if that thing is “I expect you to be in socks all night”! Do what you can to help them feel more comfortable and relaxed! It is literally not difficult or awkward to say this, and I promise you that no one is going to be like, Wow, what a fuckin WEIRDO, doing me this REAL-ASS COURTESY like a BITCH if you make a point to tell them this info up front. 👠

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Here are all of my all-time favorite podcast episodes

Image: Kiyana Salkeld / Just Good Shit

I recently realized that you can make Spotify playlists for podcasts, which was (great!) news to me. This is so practical, particularly if you want to easily save new podcast recs from friends, or collect/download a bunch of podcasts before, say, a long trip.

After learning this, I decided to put all of my favorite podcast episodes in a single playlist. I believe Terri — who has very good taste in podcasts — turned me onto the fact that episode recommendations tend to be more useful than general podcast recs, and I now have a running list of the ones I love and recommend to friends again and again.

Here are my favorite episodes, in no particular order!

Annnd if you don’t use Spotify, here’s the full list:

1. Phonology with Nicole Holliday, Ologies.

2. The Architect of Hollywood, 99% Invisible. (An excellent Terri rec!)

3. Food Fight, Revisionist History.

4. My Little Hundred Million, Revisionist History.

5. Michael Pollan: Conscious Eating, Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations.

6. Tushy, The Pitch.

7. Oprah, The Goop Podcast.

8. Miss Buchanan’s Period of Adjustment, Revisionist History.

9. We Talk BeyChella, Still Processing.

10. Sounds Natural, 99% invisible. (Another Terri rec; she knows all the best 99PI eps actually.)

11. Gabrielle Union Is Fed Up, Death, Sex, and Money.

12. Hoodies Up, 30 for 30.

13. Return to Ring of Keys, Nancy.

14. Cellies, Ear Hustle.

15. The Pentagon's Secret Gaggle of Gays, Nancy.

16. The O.J. Simpson Trial: Nicole Brown Simpson Part 1, You’re Wrong About.

17. Egyptology with Kara Cooney, Ologies.

While I was at it, I also made a playlist of all the podcast episodes that I’ve been on, if you’re interested!

The list:

1. Episode 27: Uniform Factor with Rachel Wilkerson Miller, Forever35

2. Episode 69: The Life-Changing Magic of Listening to Rachel, Another Round

3. How to Show Up, The Nod

4. Make New Friends (And Keep Them), NPR Life Kit

5. When Friendships Change, How To Cope, NPR Life Kit

6. The Surprising Benefits of Journaling, Stuff Mom Never Told You

7. How Am I Supposed to Make Friends?, Real Simple Adulthood Made Easy

8. 023 | Rachel Wilkerson Miller, Day in the Life

I may eventually get motivated enough to make themed podcast playlists, but I also don’t want to overpromise here. Regardless, I’ll continue update these playlists with new episodes as they come up (in case you’d like to follow them)! ✨

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Cozy potluck ideas

This weekend, I had some friends over to my apartment for a potluck. I didn’t call this gathering a Friendsgiving because I didn’t want to give anyone the impression that I would be making a turkey (absolutely no), or imply that they should limit themselves to bringing Thanksgiving sides.

I’ve never been a big fan of Thanksgiving. This is due in large part to the fact that no one ever really bothers to make it fancy, which I don’t understand. Like, what is the point of a holiday if there isn’t cozy lights, a little sparkle, and an on-theme outfit???? (This doesn’t just apply to the end of year hols; it also includes Valentine’s Day, Halloween, and the 4th of July.) Give me a bougie Williams-Sonoma catalog party or nothing at all!!! I also just don’t like Thanksgiving food very much. It’s a lot of work/stress/money for not a lot of payoff, imo.

Anyway, the potluck went great! My mantra when thinking about this gathering was “do less.” I have a tendency to go overboard with stuff like this, and I wanted this dinner to be easy and fun without too much fuss or expense. Or, put another way, mood over food.

Food & drink

I made The Kitchn’s baked ziti, which I also made for a cozy winter party last January. It’s easy, inexpensive, delicious, and feeds a lot of people. It’s also so practical. It can be made it advance, so you still have plenty of time to do the dishes and clean your kitchen before anyone arrives.

I also made Alison Roman’s labneh dip, which was a hit. I doubled it, and I’m glad I did. I also waited until right before the party to assemble the dip/add the oil (which I’d made in the morning) — I was able to get a nicer presentation that way.

My girlfriend made the apple cider spritzes from my friend Jess’s blog. I always love Jess’s cocktail recipes, and these were no exception. Would recommend/make again!

Everyone’s potluck contributions were great. In terms of recipes, there was a broccoli rubble farro salad (love Smitten Kitchen), a cheesy Hasselback potato gratin (gorgeous and delicious), and leeks in vinaigrette (the unexpected hit of the night).

Decorations

Because I was committed to doing less, I scrapped my initial plan to go to Michaels and/or Party City; the bulk of my energy went to finding a tablecloth online. (Two tablecoths, actually — I decided to set up a folding table my girlfriend bought this summer in my dining room for food and move my actual dining room table into my living room, a setup that worked out very well. In general, I’m a fan of rearranging furniture to make a party work better in a small space.) Because the tables were kind of It, I wanted a really cool and special tablecloth and…turns out, that doesn’t really exist for Thanksgiving!

I ended up going with two gray buffalo check tablecloths ($22.99+ each on Amazon), a dozen mini white pumpkins ($24.89 on Amazon), and two bouquets of flowers from BoHaus. (Tiny bonus tip: go for a floral arrangement with eucalyptus; not only does it look great/dramatic, it smells wonderful.)

Anyway, that turned out to be all I needed! Everything else was just stuff I already owned. One of my favorite things about holidays/hosting is going through the cabinet where I keep all my fancy wares and being surprised/delighted by what’s in there. I’ve acquired a lot of different items (cloth napkins, bottle openers, cheese boards, serving ware) over time, and faithfully sticking to neutrals + metallics for years means I rarely have to worry about the specific items I need matching/working for a given occasion. You really can’t go wrong buying dishes or oven-to-table items in white. (Also, if you stick to white, you can use regular bowls and plates as serving dishes as needed and still have it look cohesive. I also think it’s easier to decorate on a small budget this way.)

If you want something a little more festive, I think tree/branch/wood motifs in white/silver and/or stripes in black/gray/cream/green are the way to go because they work for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s.

Also! It pays to hoard good finds from the Target dollar section until the moment you need them. I have no idea when exactly I purchased two packs of dessert plates with a copper foil autumn leaf pattern on them—I thiiiink maybe 2017???—but I was very grateful to Past Me when I found them! The fabric pumpkins I mixed in with the new ones fro Amazon also came from Target several years ago.

Things I would do differently next time

• Start at 5 p.m. instead of 4.

• Buy bigger cups. (This was the one downside of not going to Party City.)

• Make the ziti the night before instead of the morning of.

• Move my kitchen trash can into my dining room for convenience.

• Decorate with/incorporate twinkle lights.

• Take more photos. ✨

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Tiny life tip: Name your group texts on iPhone

Here’s a tiny life tip that is both fun and also efficient: name your iMessage group texts!

I always liked this as a general concept, but what I didn’t realize until recently is that you can name a thread between a group of people, but you don’t have to exclusively use the labeled thread with that group. So you can have one text thread named, say, “Saugatuck plans 🌊” with three people...but also just have a regular, not-named, not-plans-related thread with those same three people, essentially keeping the conversations separate so you can easily find the one dedicated to the trip later. 

Here’s how to name a text thread on an iPhone: 

1. Tap into a text message/thread.

2. Tap the > under the name circles at the top of the thread. Then tap “info.”

3. Tap “enter a group name.” Enter a group name and/or any emojis you’d like to include.

That’s it! It’s just a small thing that makes my life a little more organized and a little more delightful.

Related: Two cheap and easy ways to upgrade your phone charger, how to use your iPhone’s photo search function, and how to curate your home screen. 📱

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My favorite things to do in Saugatuck, MI

Last week, I spent a few days on vacation in Saugatuck, Michigan, which was delightful! Since I also spent time in Saugatuck last summer and really loved it, I thought I’d put together a list of my favorite things to do there!

Where to stay

We stayed at “the Cottage on the Hill” last year, which I loved. It’s a 2-minute drive from downtown and a 10-minute drive from Oval Beach, but the real selling point is the lovely enclosed porch, which overlooks a big fenced-in backyard.

It wasn’t available this year, so we rented “Sunshine Cottage” instead. Sunshine Cottage is a very short walk from downtown, which was super convenient — we could walk home from dinner or from the house to an ice cream shop for a scoop of Mackinac Island Fudge in about five minutes. It also has a white kitchen with a sizable island that, when combined with the right linen shirt, makes you feel like a low-budget Nancy Meyers heroine.

I’m torn about which house I liked better; last year’s was bigger and comfier and cuter, but it’s a tiny bit further from downtown, and the roads you’d take into town are a bit less walkable. Sunshine Cottage is smaller and had some minor quirks (that definitely weren’t dealbreakers), but is still nice/cozy/clean/convenient. I’d recommend either one! 

What to do 

Oval Beach

Oval Beach, on Lake Michigan, is my favorite thing about Saugatuck. It’s been rated one of the best beaches in the world (!!) by several different publications. It’s a fairly small beach but it’s never too crowded, even when it’s busy.

The sand is very soft and the water sometimes glitters in the sunlight. (By the way, the water in July 2018 was very cold, but it was perfect this time around.)

Retro Boat Rentals

Retro Boat Rentals is a very cute family-run place. You take your rental out on the Kalamazoo River for 90 minutes, where you get to see local wildlife (last year, we saw an eagle catch a fish; this year there were a lot of baby ducks) and all of the mansions that line the water. It’s a great way to spend a morning!

Since our trip last summer, they’ve added a bunch of outdoor seating and a kitchen/bar, so after our boat ride, we sat outside and had beers and snacks and a truly lovely time!

They also have these donut-type boats that look really fun (though, FYI, alcohol isn’t allowed on any of the boats).

Shopping

The downtown Saugatuck area has lots of little shops, and you can easily visit most/all of them in an afternoon. I don’t think any of the shops stands out as, like, The One You Must Visit, but spending some time tooling around to all the different ones is definitely worth it!

There are a ton of other things to do in Douglas and Fennville (including wineries and antique stores and galleries), but because we haven’t had a ton of time there/have spent a lot of our time at the beach, I can’t speak to those!

You also don’t have to do much of anything, really! Saugatuck is so gentle and cozy, and is kind of built for easy bonding — you can make friendship bracelets, play games, or do puzzles, and not feel like you’re missing out.

Where to eat and drink

Saugatuck has a lot of restaurants, and I’m hoping to spend a full week there next year so I can check out more of them! (The Southerner is at the top of my list for the next trip.) But here are some of the places we’ve gone and liked:

Mitten Brewing Company

Mitten Brewing Company makes truly excellent pizza — we went there twice last year because it was so good. Their outdoor seating area is incredibly cute, but you can also get your pizza to go, and then eat it in the little park across the street, which is right on the river.

Uncommon Coffee Roasters

After Googling coffee shops in Saugatuck, I was drawn to this one because their Instagram is extremely gay. And I’m happy to report that the entire place is extremely gay! Overall, it feels like the best coffee shop in a college town — homey, earthy, vaguely alt. It has a huge wraparound porch and a beautiful backyard. There’s also a guy who does chair massages in the backyard area and only charges $1 a minute, which is a pretty fantastic deal.

The BARge

This place sits behind the Ship-n-Shore hotel, so it’s not actually visible from the street. But it’s right on the water (you can see it in this photo) and the upper level offers a pretty great view. When we went for dinner, there was a live music act that was actually pretty good.

The Dunes

The Dunes bills itself as “the Midwest’s premier LGBTQ resort.” The website and even the interior make it seem, like, clubby(ish), but when we were there for karaoke night and it was incredibly…gentle and chill? We heard a lot of Frank Sinatra, Elvis, and the Beatles. (And also everyone who sang was pretty good?) But next to the TV displaying the karaoke lyrics for songs like “When I’m 64,” there was a second TV playing, like, a super-cut of random foreplay scenes from gay male porn, which was…quite a juxtaposition! Also, the customers that night were *literally* all men and it felt like a very gay male space in general, so that’s something to be aware of!

Speaking of LGBTQ experiences, there were a lot of Pride flags flying in Saugatuck, and I remember noticing last year in the big Saugatuck brochure/magazine that there were a lot of subtle (and not-so-subtle) cues that Saugatuck is queer-friendly. So that’s nice! That said, we definitely saw way more Pride flags than people of color in Saugatuck.

Oh, also! I spotted McLeod Farms peaches at the Holland Meijer, where they cost $1.29/lb. So if you live in Michigan, you should definitely look for them the next time you’re at Meijer. ✨

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Out of office

Image: Libby VanderPloeg

I’m currently in Michigan on the last day of a lovely vacation, so I don’t have any links for you this week! But you can catch me on two episodes of NPR’s Life Kit this week: “Accept The Awkwardness: How To Make Friends (And Keep Them)” and “When Friendships Change, How To Cope.”

Have a great Sunday! ✈️

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On deep-shallow companions

Image: Eckhard Hoehmann / Unsplash

As I’ve been working on The Art of Showing Up, I’ve done quite a bit of research on the “ideal” number of friends a person should have, and, in the process, have come up with my own theory on this topic: Regardless of how many friends researchers say you need, or how many friends you currently have, I think everyone needs one (1) individual to fill the role of deep-shallow companion.

Your deep-shallow person is the one who happily listens to the most humdrum shit about your day, pretty much every day (and then shares theirs in turn). They let you go on and on about the traffic you sat in, the errands you ran, the minutiae of your to-do list, and everything Sweetgreen did right or wrong with regard to your salad order. (My experiences with the Sweetgreen app — which used to be very bad and are now, somehow, better? — are the epitome of deep-shallow talk.) Deep-shallow stories are both too boring and too complicated for most audiences. There’s no real drama, but there’s also definitely a five-act Shakespearean play, and it somehow all took place in the self-checkout line at Target.

Deep-shallow companionship is the height of intimacy, demonstrated through extremely not-intimate topics. It’s a bond and love that is rooted so deep, it can withstand this particular type of shallow conversation. 

Of course, most relationships include some deep-shallow talk, and occasionally, the first coworker pal you see when you walk into the office is gonna hear your terrible commute story whether they like it or not. It’s fine! But your deep-shallow person is the one who willingly listens to this stuff daily, and also shares their own with you. It’s often a role filled by a parent, sibling, or romantic partner because it requires so much love.

My suspicion is that a lot of loneliness stems from not having a deep-shallow companion. Which really sucks! Because if you try — consciously or not — to make someone your deep-shallow person and they don’t want to be (because they already have a deep–shallow companion, because it’s too early in the relationship, whatever), you probably won’t get the attention or enthusiasm you’re looking for, which just feels bad. It doesn’t mean the person doesn’t want to be friends with you or that they don’t like you (truly!)...but it still stings. Deep-shallow conversations are often when we’re our most relaxed and uncensored and real selves; not having a deep-shallow person can lead to feeling very unseen and incredibly alone.

I share this theory not to call attention to something you feel sad about and can’t really fix, but because I know how how it feels to not have the words to explain this particular kind of intimacy, or describe what it looks and feels like. I think it’s really helpful to be able to name this kind of companionship, and to be able to articulate exactly what you’ve lost if your deep-shallow person is no longer in your life. ✨

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